How the Right Thoughts Can Help to Preserve a Long-Lasting Healthy Relationship

As we begin dating someone new, we get into what I like to call the “sugary” phase of a relationship. This phase is all about emotions and feelings (and love hopefully), and has very little rational mind to it. It feels like a dream that will never end. This is especially the case for young couples that are just getting into their first relationship.

As time passes, the chemistry starts to fade away, and this is where real hard work comes into play. A long-lasting relationship is not all about romance and physical love, but also about learning to trust the other person, being beside them when they need us most, listening, understanding and respecting them, making sacrifices for them, and many other. If these qualities are not met, it probably isn’t a healthy relationship.

The problem with this is that often enough we don’t expect all of the difficulties that are ahead of us. Basing our beliefs on the first few months of dating, we believe that nothing can go wrong and that very little hard work will ever be required from us. We simply cannot imagine it – everything is just too good. However, when that times arrives, we struggle to satisfy the needs of the other person, we begin to get annoyed, and simply take the each other for granted. In worst cases, the relationship ceases to exist. In other cases, however, a couple may decide to remain together, but still struggles to have a healthy relationship. The cause for this is primarily in the lack of awareness. The low-quality relationship has become a habit that is impossible to alter. One way could be to let the other person go, but there may be too many factors that are holding the two people together, such as a common child or a family business. Living together seems more convenient.

In the cases above, a couple therapy could be useful, but not many people decide to attend one. They may be denying the need for one. Alternatively, both partners could begin working on their relationship right at that moment without external help. They must believe in the fact that it is not too late to change, and that if they do want to create a long-lasting healthy relationship, they must immediately begin working on it, working on themselves. This doesn’t include changing the other person, but instead, changing ourselves.

For many years I practiced yoga with elements of tantra in it. No, I don’t mean here the tantra that you see in Holywood movies that is all about “coitus”, but the tantra that teaches about the masculine and feminine. This tantra teaches about polarity, about the fact that we are not just physical bodies, but spiritual beings with the ability to accumulate sexual energy that can be used for spiritual growth. Practicing this for many years, I was quite heavily influenced by this tradition and its philosophy. I enjoyed what it had to offer, seemed legit.

Tantra teaches the distinction between Shiva, which symbolises the consciousness and the masculine principle, and Shakti, the energy and the feminine principle. Both Shiva and Shakti need each other, as consciousness needs energy to manifest itself. Tantra teaches to see our second half as something sacred and holy that needs to be greatly valued. As you can probably understand, this creates a deeper understanding of love.

In any case, I was influenced by tantra, and still today apply the concepts that it taught me. They may seem like common sense to some, but believe me, often we just don’t have the time and will to slow down, and to think about what it really means to love another person. The things that I will mention are not specific only to either man or woman, but can be applied to both sexes.

A healthy relationship – key aspects

Women and men are different.

Those of you that have been in a relationship, or simply have analysed the world around you, understand that men and women have their differences. Often women tend to be more emotional than men, and this is the way we humans are. That being said, sometimes when people have been in a relationship for long enough, they may assume that their second half should be thinking in the exact same manner as they are, completely discarding the fact that the other person is of different sex, with their own approach to solving problems.

For example, a man may be annoyed by the way his woman does something, simply because she does it her way and uses emotion as a base for making decisions. On the other hand, a woman may not understand completely why her man is doing the same thing with a different approach. When they begin to judge from their own point of view, the actions of others create an illusion that they are constantly “wrong”. When this kind of judgement continues for long enough, people find themselves in a difficult relationship.

In order to avoid a fall in the relationship, we must always take into consideration the sex of the other person. If your partner is a woman, don’t expect her to act like a man and to make certain decisions the same way a man would do. As soon as you realise this and take into consideration the basic differences between a man and a woman, the illusion of the other person’s “ignorance” will disappear. A healthy relationship revolves around understanding the other person, not judging.

Vision of the first date.

As years pass, we may begin to feel that there is nothing new about our partner, that we are beginning to lose interest in them. This is also completely normal, but definitely should not be the reason for us to believe that this really is true. This is just an illusion that arises with the progression of years.

To avoid feeling this way, a very important and effective technique may be applied. We look at our second half as if we are not yet in a relationship with them, or as if we just had begun dating them. Watching the person, we look at things the way they were back then. We may look at our woman and notice the way she smiles, looks around, smell, talks, has put makeup on, etc. The same goes for the man. We can mentally visit times we held hands together for the very first time. We try to experience it as if it happening right at this moment. Let your imagination do its thing.

As you do this while looking at the other person, you might feel warmth and feelings arise that have been long forgotten. These feelings are a great reminder of why you actually fell in love with the other person, and that you both are still a loving couple, and not just two humans living together.

Respect them for what they do.

As months and years of our relationship pass, we begin taking for granted all those small and not so small things that our loved ones do for us. In fact, if we look back at our relationship, there were times when our partner made significant sacrifices for us. Sometimes, it may be missing out on a birthday party when we were sick and needed some care. At other times, it could have involved them getting us something special just to make us feel better. It could be anything, really. I am sure you can think of many examples.

The point to remember and understand here is that our partners have devoted themselves to helping us, and we should not take that for granted. We shouldn’t see it as something given. On the contrary, we should deeply cherish these actions, and try to be as altruistic towards them as they are to us. By having this constantly in mind, and by respecting the other person for what they do for us, we will ensure that our relationship doesn’t fall onto the path of plain ego. By being aware of what the other person offers us, we are able to stay thankful and therefore be able to preserve a healthy relationship.

Be grateful for their existence.

The key to a healthy relationship is being able to be deeply grateful for the presence of another person in our life. Unfortunately, as our relationship hits a particular milestone, many of us lose the ability to see and value this.

Be grateful for the fact that your second half exists and spends their time with you. Just think about how lucky you are to actually have them by your side. Only you are able to experience the joy of their existence by your side every single day, which is why you definitely must not take it for granted. And if you do have troubles understanding this point, just imagine the times when you were without your loved one. How was your life like back then? Did you ever get to experience life the way you do today, with the person next to you? Alternatively, think about how your life might look like if the person suddenly disappears for whatever reason. How would you feel? Would you miss them? Be aware of the fact that nobody knows what will happen tomorrow. Maybe the person will not be next to you any longer. By keeping this in mind, your relationship will acquire new colours and has a greater chance of being a successful, happy, long-lasting and healthy relationship.

Final words

Tantra teaches us to be spiritual while loving our second half. And while at times things may be difficult, by applying the principles that I have laid out above, you will make sure that you are doing all the best to have a healthy relationship. Alternatively, you can always look for external ways to improve your relationship, such as through books (How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving), couple therapies and online courses, such as the Save My Marriage Today – course.

Either way, remember that there is nothing wrong with trying to save a relationship even when you think that it cannot be done. Sometimes we can feel that trying one more time would be the right thing to do. In any case, I wish you all the best and may you be happy in your relationship!

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